Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in refrain_confess' LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
11:55 pm	About a year and a half ago, four days before my twenty second birthday, something terrible happened to me. This event changed my life. After this event, I no longer recognized myself. A big part of me disappeared that day. Poof, gone. After this event, I had hate in my heart, which was something so foreign to me. For three years, I had been this happy-go-lucky-love-everything-hippie and suddenly I was not that girl anymore. I stopped trusting everyone, especially men, but most of all myself. I changed my life completely. I stopped dressing in anything that showed an excess amount of skin, I stopped going out to dance, I started drinking much less and only in the company of people I trusted, I stopped letting people touch me carelessly, and I started to hate anything and anyone English. The me that I had gotten so used to and comfortable with was gone completely. As a result of this sudden one-eighty in character I lost a close friend and found myself alienated from most of my other friends and peers. I lived in a different world than they did. I started dating Ian at this time. Before I go on, I have to clarify that I really did care about Ian. Despite the fact that I really did end up caring for Ian, I started dating Ian because it was easy. If I was dating Ian, then I did not have to go out, get crazy, and hook up with a new boy each weekend. Ian was my excuse. I had known Ian before the incident and he had proved to me that he respected women and that he did not pose the same threat that D did. Anyways, I was dealing with moving on well into my student teaching. New information had surfaced that I was not the only victim of D and this information had forced me to take a stand. I had written a letter to camp and had hoped they would do something about what had happened that summer. They did. They fired D and I am sure put a mark on his record so that no camp would hire him in the future. While all of this was going on I learned that Maya Angelou was to speak at IU in the upcoming weeks. I have loved Maya Angelou since high school. I loved her before I even found my love for poetry. "Still I Rise" remains one of my favorite poems of all time and I have often considered having those words tattooed on my wrist. Anyways, she was speaking at IU, so I begged my friend Nick to get me a ticket and he came through, thankfully, because the entire IU Auditorium ended up being sold out. I went to see Maya speak knowing full well that she had gone through the same thing I had. I was not sure what I thought she was going to speak about but I did not think she would speak of her incident. Surely, she had discussed that matter on numerous other occasions. Maya surprised me though. She spoke of her incident and she spoke of forgiveness. She said something along the lines of, "I had long forgiven the man who had attacked me. It took me several more years to forgive myself." I sat completely stunned. Forgive the man? Forgive what he did to her? I fully understood how hard it was to forgive yourself but to forgive your attacker, I did not think that was even possible. I went to group that week and talked about what Maya had said. I wanted to know if forgiveness was possible. I so wanted to not hate anyone. I work very hard to not hate someone, but the idea of not hating D, of not wanting to cut him into a million pieces, just did not seem plausible. What Anne said I will never forget, "If one day you can look back on this and find some good that has come from it, then I think you will find a way to forgiveness." Those words swirl around my head on a daily basis. At the end of the summer, I moved back home because I was done with school and unemployed. I thought I had put the whole ordeal behind me for the most part but it turns out when you do not have things distracting you constantly, the things you have repressed come creeping out. The ordeal and its aftermath had started to creep back into my life but it was the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy were everything came to a head. Seeing Gemma, this kick ass, strong woman go through the same ordeal I did, broke me. It was like it was August again and I was dealing with all those feelings again. Throughout the course of the season, I saw a lot of my own aftermath mirrored in Gemma's, it was hard and it broke my heart, but it also was helping me heal. After Gemma told her family about her incident, things started to change for me. I was super emotional in the days following that episode. I moped around in my pajamas like a zombie for days, letting myself feeling everything I was feeling for once. After a few days, I finally through myself into the shower and started to pick up the pieces. In the weeks following, I found myself thinking of a conversation I had with my friend, A. She and her brother had gone through something similar but much earlier in their lives. She told me that while it still really affected her brother, she had decided that what had happened had sucked but she was not going to let it dictate her life any more than it already had. This conversation, along with Anne's words, played over and over in my head. I found myself thinking of good things that had come out of a super shitty situation. I knew who my real friends were, by confessing my own hurt, I found others whom had suffered a same fate, I became closer in my relationship with Ian, I had become a stronger and smarter person, but mostly, I learned what it meant to really listen and be there for someone else. My own shit situation had taught me to be way more compassionate for others and I also learned what forgiveness really is. After a year and a handful of months, I can say that I have found forgiveness for D. What he did was absolutely awful and quite possibly the worst thing you can do to another person, but hating him is not going to make what happened go away. It is not going to change the outcome of that night. I hope he has changed. I really do. I hope getting fired from camp was enough to make him realize that his actions have consequences and that what he did really hurt someone. I firmly believe in karma and I know that eventually this will come around to bite him in the ass, but I am done. I have spent a year and half wastefully emitting this hate, because honestly he lives half way around the world, my hating him does not effect him in anyway. I cannot do it anymore. I want to be happy and I cannot be happy spending my time hating someone. This by no means that what he did was okay or that I won't find myself upset about it. It just means that it's out of my hands. I no longer plot ways to murder him in my head or waste 11:11 wishes on hoping he gets hit by a bus. This means that I chose happiness over hate. It means I choose the future over the past. It means I am free of being a victim and move on to being a survivor and as a survivor I do not plan to waste another second on a mistake in judgment I made a year and a half ago. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Friday, October 16th, 2009
11:45 pm	I think things are finally turning around. I'm hoping for the best. I can not wait for two weeks to go by so I can be reunited with my favorite people. Man oh man, I cannot wait. In other news, the more time I spend with my dad the more I start to really loathe technology. With texting and email context is lost and I think things are misinterpreted easier. I miss the days of letters. Why oh why did I not come of age in the eighties? This entry is ridiculous and to insure I end on a ridiculous note, I really friggin love Cher. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Catch My Disease-Ben Lee (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 13th, 2009
10:55 pm	I have found myself dreaming of the first boy I ever loved more and more since my return to Peru. It is such a strange thing. I have not seen this boy in three years and I have not been in love with him since the ninth grade. I just am not really sure why he keeps appearing in my dreams. The really weird thing about these dreams are that they are like ridiculously vivid. I feel what is happening in them. It's so strange. The other strange thing about them is that they are never sexual. Usually, if I am dreaming of a hot piece of man candy I am at least getting my make out on. The dreams always revolve around a similar theme as well. We run into one another and end up in some long discussion. He usually has a girlfriend or has recently broken up with said girlfriend. We end up finding ourselves in some secluded environment in his house. In this secluded environment we are always talking about something trivial and he reaches out to touch me usually my head or arm. There is this intense feeling behind the touch like he is trying to convey something to me through it and then I wake up. I do not know I just find it annoying. Obviously, my subconscious is trying to tell me some thing and I just cannot for the life of me figure it out. Je ne sais pas. In other news, Ian called me last night. I think I forget how much of our relationship was built on the fact that we were both insomniacs. He was upset and I talked him through it as I always do. We were about how there were a bunch of people staying at his apartment this weekend and how he hoped he did not have to share his bed with someone and how much he hates sleeping with other people. I called him on his shit and reminded him how he on numerous occasions would call me to come over and just sleep next to him. He then proclaimed he did not want to talk about it anymore as he always does when he knows I am right. I agreed and then he said some thing really quietly. I asked him what he has said and he stated that he was always really excited about sleeping next to me. It just kind of threw me off. We talk a lot about our physical relationship but we rarely talk about our emotional relationship anymore. It just hit me weird especially since he was mulling over breaking up with his girlfriend. I know he will not break up with her. He really likes her and it really disconcerns me that he always contemplates breaking up with her with me and that I always end up convincing him otherwise even though I have never met this girl and that she hates me. Oh I do not know. It does not really matter either way considering we are two hundred some miles away. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Good Enough-Darren Hayes (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 10th, 2009
12:24 am	You know, I'm really glad that Ian and I got past the bullshit of our break up and are friends again. I was literally freaking out last night and then I called Ian and everything was fine. Back last fall when everything with the D situation was so fresh Ian would be the one who would talk to me until I calmed down. He has always been incredible with handling it and I am always in awe of him. We get each other in a way that very few people do. I often feel like we should not be able to talk about the things that we do now that we have broken up. I am so glad we can though. I was a little disappointed to hear that his girlfriend has a problem with me. I get so frustrated with girls who are irrationally jealous. I have always called Ian at two in the morning. I do not know why it has to be this huge thing now. I think more than anything I find myself frustrated with the whole girl stereotype. I am trying to stay hopeful in my job search and I did find something that looks promising. *Fingers crossed* Current Mood: awake Current Music: 500 Day of Summer Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Friday, August 7th, 2009
9:59 pm	Why is my life reverting to what it was five years ago? Fuck. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want-The Smiths (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
9:50 pm	I have too much to say these days. I'm moving this weekend. I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay. I don't belong anywhere as of now. I need to figure something out fast. Current Mood: restless Current Music: Falling Slowly-Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
1:32 pm	I now know what it is like to rip my own heart from my chest and step on it a few hundred times. Ugh, this will never end. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
10:42 pm	I'm going to elaborate slightly on my last entry. I was a little drunk when I posted it. Oh well. I guess I will start off by talking about Ami. Ami and I have become really good friends this summer. We are both going through a recent break up and neither one of us really wanted to break up with our boys. At the beginning of the summer, when we started hanging out a lot we were both still in love with our exes. So we went out last night and were talking about our weekends and about life in general. We talked a little of our exes, she more than me, as she had run into and made out with Rishi (her ex) over the weekend. She told me that Rishi was in town but she wasn't sure if she was going to see him or not. I don't think either one of us really expected to see our ex boys that night. Anyways, when I saw Ian, I was completely blindsided. He hadn't said anything about coming down to Bloomington (not that I was answering his phone calls) but he hadn't called me on Tuesday at all. So when I went into hug Carly, catching sight of Ian was a complete shock to my system. I honestly did not think I would ever see him again. So when I did it was like oh shit I have to deal with this. The first hour was fine because Ami and our friends stayed on one side of the bar while Ian and his friends stayed on the other. Then of course, we had to move to the other side of the bar because Gaury wanted to hit on these boys. It was fine. I kept my back to Ian. I thought he would leave me alone and my night would go smoothly. All the girls had to go to the bathroom but me so I stayed and talked with the group of three boys we had been chatting with. It was completely innocent besides some nonchalant flirting. As I am chatting with these boys, I feel someone nudge my shoulder as they walk by me. This is not a big deal, it always happens in a crowded bar but I always look to see who hit me in case it's someone cute. So, I look over and see Ian sulking out of the bar. He was obviously not too happy to see me chatting with boys. Eventually my girlfriends made their way back to me, when I heard someone yell my name. So I look over and it is Ian and I's mutual friend Katie. I walk over and hug her and say a few things. The first words out of her mouth, "Look who I am with!" Ian smiles his smile and says that he had lost me in the crowd. I say something awkward and then quickly excuse myself back to my friends. Ian then proceeds to sit at the table directly across from where my friends and I are all standing. Time passes and I somehow end up talking to this Keith kid, who is kind of cute, but trying too hard. As I am chatting and maybe flirting with Keith, Ian walks over behind Keith and starts miming/talking to me. Ian mimes something sexual and I roll my eyes not having it. Then Ian looks me straight in the eyes and mouths "I love you." I stand a little closer to Keith and start staring directly at him to get Ian out of my view. Ian sits at his table and flails his arms trying to get my attention. I turn away from Keith and Ian back to my friends. Keith follows. I try unsuccessfully to get away from Keith but he will not leave me alone so I excuse myself to the bathroom where the whole Jane incident goes down. Overall the night was more annoying and awkward then anything else. I could feel Ian's eyes on me whenever I was talking to a boy. I know I was hurting his feelings but if felt necessary. I cannot keep doing this thing with him. I want a relationship and he does not, so what is the point. I know Ian better than he does himself some times and I could tell he was surprised at how sad he was that I was ignoring him and talking to other boys. I think he maybe felt a little of how I felt when he used to kiss other girls in front of me. I hate hurting him. I really do. I hate hurting anyone. It is not the kind of person that I am, but I know that if I had talked to him or hung out with him, I would have taken him home with me. I have finally reached a point where the fact that we are not together does not hurt so badly and I know if I would spend time together a lot of old feelings would come back. Still, I felt like a jerk. Ami told me that she could tell that I made him sad. Oh well. In other news, I was surprised at how I was not putting up with anyone's shit last night. On a night that I year ago I had my voice taken away, I found myself finding my voice more than I had in years. Gau hates Ian. I mean she is not a fan of Ian in any way. Upon seeing Ian, she made a comment about his dreads and how he looked stupid. Usually, I would agree with her in some passive way, but last night I told her to just stop. I think it shocked both of us. Then the whole Jane incident. I think I have written about how when Ian's friends ask about Ian and I, I usually come up with some half assed response. So, to say, "Ian has made that perfectly clear," and be so adamant and unapologetic about it felt so different and so amazing. Maybe some of my old bitchiness is returning and maybe I like it. In other completely unrelated news, Ami and I were talking to a boy at the start of the night and he was trying to get us to join him for a late night toke. He asked me if I smoked and then cut me off before I could reply. "Of course you smoke. I mean look at you. You are all happy and smiling with your curly hair and laid back style." It seriously made me laugh. I'm glad that this dude does not think one can laugh and be happy with out being a total stoner. Oh well, I'm used to the assumption. I do look like a dirty hippie most days compared to the barely clad girls stumbling around the bars. To sum up this massive entry, I am getting my groove back. Current Mood: good Current Music: My Life Would Suck Without You-Kelly Clarkson (Comment on this)
3:22 am	I always knew that yesterday and today were going to be hard for me. This time last year my life changed forever by D refusing to listen to my no. I have lived with the aftermath for a year now and while it has gotten easier, these past few days have been hard. I have been having more flashbacks and dreams about it. It has been really unpleasant. I didn't plan to go out last night (Tuesday night, for reference) but Ami really wanted me to. I wasn't going to drink more than one drink but it was $2 dollar Tuesday and honestly was I really going to let what happened a year ago interfere with my now. Everything was fine. Sure this creepy guy kept talking to Ami and I and squeezing my shoulder in a way that made me feel uncomfortable, but whatever. So, Ami and I are sitting outside waiting for Gau and Shama to make there way through the line. That's when I saw Carly, so I got up to hug her across the fence. As I went in for the hug, I caught glimpse of dreadlocks. Dear Jesus, Ian was with her. I was startled and not really sure how to react so I hugged him and then made a beeline for Ami. Much to Ami's misfortune, her ex was also in the bar. Thus began the most awkward night of my life. I spent my night avoiding Ian because I honestly did not want to deal with him at all. Then I met Keith, Keith would not stop talking to me and I was being polite and chatting with him whilst my other friends were chatting up boys. However, Ian caught sight of this and thus spent the next five minutes trying to wrangle my attention from Keith to him. Then Keith began to follow me like a lost puppy, even after I called in my guy friends for backup. I excused myself to the bathroom, where I am pretty sure girls were passed out in the stalls because no one was leaving. Whilst waiting, Jane, Ian's close friend, joined the line and began an awkward conversation about Ian and I. At one point she asked, "Aren't you and Ian together?" In which I replied, rather disdainfully, "No, he has made that perfectly clear." I know she was going to go right back and tell Ian everything I said but I am fucking over it. I am finally over it. Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Monday, July 6th, 2009
8:33 pm	No matter what I decide, someone is going to be upset. I just wish my parents understood that I am capable of making informed decisions and that I don't decide things on a whim. I have thought this through but my parents will always believe I'm just flying by the seat of my pant. Why after all these years do they still not understand a damn thing about me? Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 27th, 2009
1:54 am	I used to run at night. My apartment complex has this nifty little gym and I used to go late at night to run. However, since the pool opened the gym closes at 10pm since the fence surrounding the pool also surrounds the gym. It is all very inconvenient. So lately, I've been biking at night. I know it's not the best idea for numerous reasons. Reasons Why Biking at Night is a Bad Idea 1. I'm biking alone at night. 2. While I take my cell phone with me, chances are if I fall the phone will break. 3. You cannot see potholes in the dark. 4. My bike does not have the best reflective gear. Despite the reasons why I shouldn't bike at night, there is some thing intensely calming about soaring through empty streets with stars sparkling above me. My favorite thing to do is to find a dark road and star gaze as I coast. Another advantage to night biking is that it is immensely cooler than the 90 degree days we've been having. I love it. In other news, I think the job in New Mexico called me today. I freaked out and didn't answer. The thing is I just don't know what I want the outcome to be. I think I have it figured out but nothing is final yet. If I decide with what I have in mind now, my parents will be none to happy. I just wish someone would tell me what I was supposed to do. I mean when I graduated high school it was pretty much set in stone that I would go to college. Well beside the month or so where Nina and I decided we were going to skip college and work our way through Europe. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Black or White-MJ (stuck in my head) (Comment on this)
Friday, June 19th, 2009
9:22 pm	I find traces of us everywhere. While I know this is relevant to most of my relationships but with Ian it seems more prominent. I'm sure this is due to it being one of my longer relationships. I just feel like with every book I open or any television show I watch I find something that is reminiscent of our relationship. It makes getting over Ian that much harder. I am getting to that point though. I don't answer texts anymore and I do ignore a few phone calls. The whole ring thing really threw me off and I am at the point that I am tired of all the games. I am honestly just so over it. I do not want to be jerked around anymore. I realize I never wrote about the reasons that I ended things with Ian. So here's a list. Why I Ended Things with Ian 1. I wanted something more serious and Ian did not. 2. Ian slept with someone else, which was not part of our agreement. 3. Ian told me about sleeping with someone else about twenty minutes before my grandfather's wake. 4. Ian stood me up for a wedding he promised he would attend, which was just another thing he swore he would attend and then bailed at the last second. 5. I had sex with someone else. Current Mood: content Current Music: I Do Not Hookup-Kelly Clarkson (Comment on this)
Monday, June 15th, 2009
11:41 am	Maybe it's just me, but typically I think that a boy who doesn't want a girlfriend does not go around buying the girl he doesn't want to commit to a goddamn diamond ring. What the fuck? I am so confused. In other news, I'm flying to New Mexico for my first real life job interview. So nervous! Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 11th, 2009
11:19 pm	I find it slightly ironic that I keep running into Ian's friends, even more so that I am now working with one. It always starts out so nice. Oh hey, how are you. We should hang out. Blah blah blah, but the conversation always leads to one question-Have you heard from Ian lately. Depending on the friend, I either lie-yeah but not for a week or so, or tell the truth-no, Ian and I fell out. It's always so awkward. Today, I was at training, when Katie brought up the question. I responded that I hadn't heard from him in a week or so, which is true enough. Her response got me to thinking though, she told me that she hadn't heard from Ian since school ended. This answer really got to me because Katie is one of Ian's bffs. One of our last conversations was about how good of friends he and Katie had become. All of this led me to realize that Ian was trying. Ian, in his own fucked up way, was telling me that he did love me and that I did mean something to him. It kind of broke my heart all over again. I guess hindsight is always 20/20. Things are really over this time and it sucks. I knew we couldn't be friends, at least not now. Ian was always so insistent that he is friends with all of his exes and that we wouldn't be any different. I always knew that I wouldn't be able to be friends with him after this ended and dear God, did I make sure that was true. I wish I could take it all back-the awful words that sounded so hurtful coming out of my mouth, having sex with someone else, everything in the past two weeks really. I wish we could still be friends. I wish we could still be together, but it just wasn't meant to be. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I don't hate you. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Kelly Clarkson (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
2:20 am	I was fine. I was doing so well until I heard your voice. Why did I have to fall so hard for you? Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 30th, 2009
5:56 pm	I must say going home with someone new was definitely weird. New boy, new house, new everything. It was good, but awkward. I had been with the same person for eight months. I know how things worked with Ian. I knew what Ian liked and what he hated and he knew the same about me. But this new boy, so much trial and error. There were so many starts, stops, and check ins. It was so strange to lay there in the dark and share bits and pieces of our lives. Bits that Ian already knew. I can't help but wonder how many more times will I rehash the same stories in the dark. Most times I would much rather just listen to the other person talk than speak my own truths. I am so tired of talking about myself and I think that was probably one of the reasons Ian and I stayed together so long. He knew me. I didn't have to explain myself to him. Ian called me last night right as I was working up to kiss this new boy. I looked at my phone and a part of me instinctively wanted to answer and have one of our late night gab fests. Instead, I hit ignore and kissed this new boy. It felt very symbolic. I love Ian. I really do, but we just are not good for each other right now. I need someone new. I don't know if this new boy is that person but it feels like a good start, even if I went against one of my own rules. Rules were meant to be broken. Current Mood: content Current Music: Snow Patrol (Comment on this)
Friday, May 29th, 2009
12:46 am	I have put off writing this for a while. I guess I wanted to make sure that I was sure in my decision. Ian and I have ended our relationship or whatever the hell it was. I was the one to end it, surprise, surprise. To be completely honest though, it was the most amicable split that I have ever had. We are still friends and maybe some day we will meet and fall in love all over again. Ian came into my life at such a crucial point. I feel like if Ian and I hadn't begun our romance at the exact time that we did, I would have shut out men for the rest of my life. What happened last summer screwed me up so badly and I honestly was never going to let another man have the chance to do what D did to me. I was going to give up men forever, but then Ian came back into my life. This boy, whom I had such a huge crush on the previous year, was suddenly wanting to hang out with me. He saved me from myself. I will always be so thankful for him. I loved him, oh god, did I love that boy. I tried with every fiber in my body not to fall for him but I did and I am so glad that in the end I let myself fall. In the midst of a fight not so long ago, Ian told me that he hoped to know me forever. I think that is why this is so easy for me. I sincerely believe that this is just an end to a chapter in our lives, not the end. I've been thinking of a conversation I had a long time ago. It was among two friends and myself. I know one of the friends was Kaley but for the life of me I can not remember who the other friend was. Anyways, Kaley, this friend, and I were discussing who we were destined/fated to end up with. Kaley was, of course, going to end up with Luke. The other friend was going to end up with her boyfriend at the time and then it came to me. I was hoping so badly that they would say the name of my crush at the time (I have no idea who I was crushing on at the time but unless it was after 10th grade it was probably Aaron, let's be honest.) Anyways, I was hoping to hear my crush's name, but Kaley said, "I see you with someone but I cannot see their face. I think you are going to end up with someone you haven't met yet." At the time I was so pissed because why couldn't she just lie to me and say Aaron's name. However, now looking back on it, it seems almost prophetic. I was never meant to stay in Peru. I was never meant to be with a Peruvian. I don't think Ian is the face either. My life partner is still out in the world somewhere and I am in no hurry to find that person. I am going to enjoy the journey. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Crack the Shutters-Snow Patrol (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 17th, 2009
9:21 pm	My grandfather died on my graduation day. I'm sure at some point I will find irony or significance in this coincidence, but for now it just sucks. I was in Wisconsin for a week but now I'm back in my beautiful Bloomington. I'm kind of waiting for the jumble in my head to settle so that I can make heads or tails of this. The boy has been a big help over the course of the week. I feel guilty about it though. I feel like it's just a constant reminder that Adam has been dead for two years as of a few days ago. I wish I could have been with him for that but at least he was with all of his friends. I have written about my feeling toward my grandfather's death elsewhere. I will say this though, if I have learned anything from his death it is that time doesn't wait. I am making some pretty big decisions about what to do with my life lately. My parents are less than thrilled with most of the options I have been considering. I understand that they want me to find a stable job with insurance. I know that they just want to be sure of my well being, but god damnit I could fall over dead next week. I could be riding my longboard, hit a gravel patch, hit my head wrong and be gone. It happened to Adam, it could happen to me. I know they don't understand and I wish I could make them. When I die, I don't want to hear people say how I didn't know how to live like I heard so many people say about my grandfather. Money has never meant anything to me and I thank God for that. As long as I have enough to put a roof over my head and food in my stomach I am happy. So no, I'm not too concerned that any of the jobs I applied for pay little to nothing because it not about the money, it's about the experience. I have no time to waste. I realized this before my grandfather passed away but his death has only reinforced it. I told the boy I loved him two Thursdays ago. I meant it with every ounce of my soul. I'm in love and I'm loved. The world is beautiful. Current Mood: content Current Music: Grey-Ani Difranco (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
7:58 pm	I am such a mess right now. It is seriously gross, but I have been saying my goodbyes for the past two days and it is just breaking my heart. My hardest goodbyes haven't come yet and I thank God for that because they will break me. I get to spend the summer, well most of it, with my really close friends and I am so thankful for that. Still, it wasn't easy saying goodbye to the lower classmen. Challen, Angie and Michael were particularly hard and left me in tears. I'm saying goodbye to the boy on Monday. It's not a real goodbye though because he is coming with me to a wedding in a few weeks as well as wanting me to come up and visit him. When I say goodbye to him for real I will be inconsolable. It's just hard because I am looking at jobs in a few places and none of them are relatively close to Indiana. I dreamed of leaving Indiana for so long and now that it's here, I am seriously struggling. Bloomington is the first place that I am actually sad to leave and it is just so hard for me to deal with. I guess this is growing up. Current Mood: emotional (Comment on this)
Friday, April 24th, 2009
2:21 pm	Talking to you last night felt like it did at the beginning. I forgot what it was like to lay in bed and empty my soul at two in the morning. It is what I have missed the most from our relationship. It made me so happy. When I told you that I had lied to you before and then what the lie was, I think you understood what I was really saying. I think you knew it was my way of saying I love you. It is so weird to think that this time last year we were just meeting. I was such a different person then. It is bizarre how much can change in the course of year. I know have a song from Rent stuck in my head, awesome. Honestly though, last year I would never have guessed that I would be where I am with you today. It's nice that you are making plans for us again. I still can't help but think our time is running out. I don't know how I am going to say goodbye to you. However, you did say you want to know me forever, so maybe I won't have to say goodbye. haha. Current Mood: content Current Music: The Future Freaks Me Out-Motion City (Comment on this)